is your mom at the bar?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
