the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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