my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
