i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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