oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Houston, we have a blender
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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