I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
