i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
