My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
