Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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