I can text with my tongue
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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