Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
