you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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