I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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