Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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