why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
