I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
