i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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