high people should be assigned attendants
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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