I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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