why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I AM VODKA MAN
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
