dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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