Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The best revenge is premature balding
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
