shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize