you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
