it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
