He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
