she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
