On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
