its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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