Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
