i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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