I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
