I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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