I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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