Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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