My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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