I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
