Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
