May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
