Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
