How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
