No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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