Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
