he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
