I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
