Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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