when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize