areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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