Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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