No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
