she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
