Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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