youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
