can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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