youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
