she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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