Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
